Darn it Favre!

I liked Brett Favre. Really.

Unfortunately the poor man has done quite a bit to overstay his welcome. He could play football until he was fifty or even ninety for all I cared; he was the complete spirit of the Green Bay Packers and nothing less.

And then he had to leave.

What a mistake. During his going-away speech, the final, tearful, halted speech that he made, everything stopped as much as it had during September 11 a few years ago. He announced that he was stepping down and wouldn’t return.

But, believe it or not, Brett has returned to the world of football! And, like the Green Bay Packers, I have also rejected him as well. Why? He can’t keep his promises. If he didn’t decide to leave, I’d be okay with him existing for a little longer. But he decided to leave, so for heaven’s sake stay out of the game of football. A guy who doesn’t keep his promises doesn’t deserve dignity, especially at his high rank.

But it could have been worse; at least Favre didn’t pull a Clinton on his fans.

Wind!

Ladies and gentlemen, the people of Wisconsin are wimps. Case in point: Yesterday, the Stevens Point School District canceled its schools.

Why? The answer is surrounding you right now.

The leadership of Stevens Point was afraid of a little wind. Someone went outside and said to themselves, “Air. Moving air. This is bad.” So they canceled school.

Naturally, I assumed there would be a better reason to close school than just wind. But I checked out a satellite weather report. The closest clouds were in North Dakota, two whole states away. Tornados were not an issue, although either five or seven touched down in our good state last night.

Face it, Point: You really are pathetic. You were afraid of a little wind. Beware, now, the sky might fall this September, might want to cancel school for the month.

No News is Good News

No news is good news with today’s media. What have you been hearing on the media recently? Only until very recently, the airwaves were filled with the news that a bigoted talkshow host had called a basketball team a bunch of bunch of nappy-headed ____ and now everyone and her brother want an apology for those statements.

I think it’s disgraceful too.

It’s disgraceful that anyone who’s important enough to own a TV station is saying that disgraceful word on air in attempt to rebuff the first person to say it. So that’s what you hear. Oprah mentioning that she wants the scoundrel who said “nappy-headed ____” to apologize. Not to mention every teacher of every social studies class telling asking about their opinion on the talkshow host who called a basketball team a bunch of ____.

What’s even more disgraceful than this opportunity to use dirty words in the media is the “intolerance” that brings about the opposition. See, the guy could have insulted every single player on the basketball team individually, using worse names if he wanted to. But since he insulted them all together, he was guilty of being bigoted against a certain group. If someone is going to attack anything, it should be insulting opinions on the radio, period. Not just when someone insults a group, but when his speech goes out of the boundaries of social acceptance. The rebuttal against the talkshow man in question is very appropriate, but it should have come sooner, and not for so vague an offense.

Really good news… if it is news.

Our school district is being closed because of the impending threat of snow. Two hours of freedom is apparently too much for anyone to handle — after the annoucement filled the halls, our poor announcer needed to wait for half a minute to give the time of departure, so loud were the cries of happiness.

Threats

Let me say this as impersonally as possible: Our school has been threatened and might be the victim of attacks sometime in the near future.

I guess the school felt the need to tell us this, because they sent letters to every individual in the school. They must be a bit frugal, because instead of mailing the letters, they handed ‘em out to as many random students as possible.

The attacks are planned for the 8th and 9th (a Wednesday and Thursday) of November, I believe. As to whether or not they will be carried out, well, let’s leave that one to the police.

Good news!

It seems that not everything in the world is going wrong – every once in a while, we might even get it right!

The “good ole days” of aviation is back – it has been announced that people can carry containers of toothpaste, shampoo, and water again. Unfortunately, the restriction upon this are almost as tight as not being able to carry any. The containers must be less than a quart, and must be found within a clear plastic bag.

There has been no note on why the change has been acted upon, likely because any radicals have been bored out of their minds and probably played too many games of “catch” with their IEDs. $5 water bottles is now a thing of the past.

More news from Nowhere

   

War of the Fuels: Why the economy doesn’t run on ethanol. It’s been a longstanding fact that, in the attempt to find an alternative source of fuel, the President has turned to ethanol – alcohol mixed with a tiny bit of gasoline so your local Otis the Drunk won’t take a swig. Unfortunately, ethanol, as well as being far more inefficient than regular gasoline, also costs a good deal more.

As to why ethanol costs so much: Lack of corn to turn into ethanol, naturally. We, the American people, export and consume far too much corn to leave any room for alternative fuels to be developed and optimized. Just remember that whenever you chow down on corn on the cob or grab a corn chip or two.

News?

We have yet another reason why not to eat your spinach. In recent news, a woman bought prepackaged spinach, ate it (hopefully not immediately), and was subsequently infected with e. coli. It seems that even if the spinach is washed before it’s packaged, dangerous bacteria may still survive in it.We recommend that, if you must eat your prepackaged veggies, at least wash them again.

Two entrepreneuring students at the Green Bay East High School decided to blow it up, possibly after receiving too much homework. Police found guns, bullets, and even homemade bombs (pointing to too much Tech Ed), as well as suicide notes and evidence of their masochistic tendencies. Good news for them: Jail won’t have any quarterly tests involved.